Captain's Log, Stardate 3007.11.23.
Yesterday we encountered an alien race the likes of which Spacefleet will never recover from. They are a ruthless, violent and maniacally depraved race of people. And they are weird, too. They are called the Sitcomulans.
We first encountered them near the Neutral Zone, an area of space that we are not supposed to venture into, but which we did. I guess Mr. Sumee took a left instead of a right near Vegas. Oh well, no one's perfect.
We detected another ship in the Neutral Zone. The markings on the outside said it was the S.E. Mayberry, R.F.D. We have since found out the S.E. stands for Sitcomulan Empire. We never did found out what R.F.D. stood for, although I have my suspicions.
I had Lt. Uhorror hail the vessel. The answer we got was terrifying. A sinister voice the likes of which I'll never forget answered. Here is part of the conversation:
"Howdy, folks. I'm Sheriff Andy Taylor of Mayberry. What are y'all doing here in the Neutral Zone?"
Captain Jake Brooks (that's me): This is Captain Jake Brooks of the Starship Pilgrim representing the United Federation of Planets, Dwarf Planets, Asteroids, Moons, and Other Settlements in Space.
Sheriff Taylor: Oh, yes, the UFPDPAMOSS. I've heard of you folks. How y'all doing?
Captain Brooks: Fine, and you?
Sheriff Taylor: Just dandy. Now what are y'all doing in the Neutral Zone. I'm gonna give y'all thirty seconds to answer before I have my second in command, Deputy Fife blow you're fine looking vessel to kingdom come.
Captain Brooks: We took a wrong turn and we appear to be lost.
Sheriff Taylor: Now, we seem to have a problem here. Barney tells me y'all is lyin'. Why should I believe y'all?
At that point I broke all communication with the Mayberry and I had our Russian gunner, Ensign Checkmate, fire all blasers at the ship. We immediately disabled it and began a hasty retreat. Two Sitcomulans began pursuit, the S.E. M*A*S*H and the S.E. WKRP. A Colonel Potter and a Big Guy Carlson both tried to hail us, but we decided our first encounter with the Sitcomulans was over. We were at war, now. We needed to retreat and warn the UFPDPAMOSS.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Charlie B
Captain's Blog, Stardate 3007.11.21.
We made first contact today with the Peanutsians. This is an alien race that we have heard rumors about for generations and today we made first contact while surveying the planet Schulz.
It began when I led a landing party to the surface of Schulz. Accompanying me were Mr. Spark, Mr. McBoozer, and Dr. McQuack. Oh, and a couple of guys in red shirts. One of them died when the other one accidentally shot the other with his quaser. Then he shot himself. I have got to remember not to take the red shirts to the surface. They always die.
Anyway, after that unfortunate occurrence, we encountered our first Peanutsian. He was about three feet tall, with a huge, bald head, and arms that could not even reach over his head. He introduced himself as Charlie B. He asked if we had seen a little red haired girl go by.
The next Peanutsian was actually a Peanutsian pet, a dog-like creature that walked upright on two legs. It had a big nose and wore a collar. It was very athletic, in fact during the short time we were on the surface, it managed to play baseball, hockey, tennis and golf. It spun its ears and flew through the air like a helicopter. It made demands of Charlie B for food and instantly got it, yet it managed to make a complete turkey dinner all on its own. It was quite a remarkable creature.
We met other Peanutsians. One that would not let go of a security blanket, another that bossed everyone around, another that played incredible music on what looked like a child's piano, and yet another that was followed constantly by a cloud of dust.
One other observation I made: although Charlie B appeared to be the leader, nobody listened to a word he said.
Captain Jake Brooks of the Starship Pilgrim, signing off.
We made first contact today with the Peanutsians. This is an alien race that we have heard rumors about for generations and today we made first contact while surveying the planet Schulz.
It began when I led a landing party to the surface of Schulz. Accompanying me were Mr. Spark, Mr. McBoozer, and Dr. McQuack. Oh, and a couple of guys in red shirts. One of them died when the other one accidentally shot the other with his quaser. Then he shot himself. I have got to remember not to take the red shirts to the surface. They always die.
Anyway, after that unfortunate occurrence, we encountered our first Peanutsian. He was about three feet tall, with a huge, bald head, and arms that could not even reach over his head. He introduced himself as Charlie B. He asked if we had seen a little red haired girl go by.
The next Peanutsian was actually a Peanutsian pet, a dog-like creature that walked upright on two legs. It had a big nose and wore a collar. It was very athletic, in fact during the short time we were on the surface, it managed to play baseball, hockey, tennis and golf. It spun its ears and flew through the air like a helicopter. It made demands of Charlie B for food and instantly got it, yet it managed to make a complete turkey dinner all on its own. It was quite a remarkable creature.
We met other Peanutsians. One that would not let go of a security blanket, another that bossed everyone around, another that played incredible music on what looked like a child's piano, and yet another that was followed constantly by a cloud of dust.
One other observation I made: although Charlie B appeared to be the leader, nobody listened to a word he said.
Captain Jake Brooks of the Starship Pilgrim, signing off.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
The Naked Times
Captain's Blog, Stardate 3007.11.18.
Well, the Pilgrim just experienced one of the most unusual and terrifying times during our time exploring the galaxy. We apparently picked up a virus while visiting the planet Psi 3000. The virus caused the crew to act drunk, slowly causing our inhibitions to erode. Eventually, common sense left us completely.
Mr. Spark lost all control of his emotions, even going so far as to perform stand up comedy over the ship's public address system. Mr. McBoozer, our chief engineer, tried to make love to the engines. I can't describe the mess it made. Dr. McQuack began to lose her inhibitions as she became fixated on Spark's ears. She wanted to perform surgery on them.
Our Oriental helmsman, Mr. Sumee, began fencing. Yes, he actually put up a white picket fence around the entire bridge. Lt. Uhorror, our communications officer, began singing Christmas carols over the ship's public address system. This got Spark upset, so he put her in a strangle hold.
I am embarrassed to say I started chasing every skirt on the ship. Finally, I realized that I always do that and that the virus was not affecting me. I had some sort of natural immunity. Once I discovered that, I used my incredible intellect to create an antidote to save the crew. Of course, I cornered Uhorror in the broom closet first, but that's a story for another day.
Captain Jake Brooks, signing off.
Well, the Pilgrim just experienced one of the most unusual and terrifying times during our time exploring the galaxy. We apparently picked up a virus while visiting the planet Psi 3000. The virus caused the crew to act drunk, slowly causing our inhibitions to erode. Eventually, common sense left us completely.
Mr. Spark lost all control of his emotions, even going so far as to perform stand up comedy over the ship's public address system. Mr. McBoozer, our chief engineer, tried to make love to the engines. I can't describe the mess it made. Dr. McQuack began to lose her inhibitions as she became fixated on Spark's ears. She wanted to perform surgery on them.
Our Oriental helmsman, Mr. Sumee, began fencing. Yes, he actually put up a white picket fence around the entire bridge. Lt. Uhorror, our communications officer, began singing Christmas carols over the ship's public address system. This got Spark upset, so he put her in a strangle hold.
I am embarrassed to say I started chasing every skirt on the ship. Finally, I realized that I always do that and that the virus was not affecting me. I had some sort of natural immunity. Once I discovered that, I used my incredible intellect to create an antidote to save the crew. Of course, I cornered Uhorror in the broom closet first, but that's a story for another day.
Captain Jake Brooks, signing off.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Budd's Women
Captain's Blog, Stardate 3007.10.31.
The Pilgrim rescued the crew of a small cargo ship today, just before it blew up. The captain of the vessel turned out to be a con-artist by the name of Harcourt Fenton Budd. He was in the process of carrying new wives for the miners of the planet Henry VIII. These women had been bought by the miners, thus Budd was trafficing in slavery, although neither he nor the women saw it that way. We ended up arresting Budd and transporting the women to a reform school on the planet Bosley. The owner of the school, a man named Charlie Angel, agreed to take care of the three women, whose names, by the way, were Kelly, Jill and Sabrina.
In other news, we have a new drinking establishment aboard the Pilgrim, a place called Cheers. It is run by a former professional athlete, Sam Malone. It is a very friendly place, where everyone knows your name.
The Pilgrim rescued the crew of a small cargo ship today, just before it blew up. The captain of the vessel turned out to be a con-artist by the name of Harcourt Fenton Budd. He was in the process of carrying new wives for the miners of the planet Henry VIII. These women had been bought by the miners, thus Budd was trafficing in slavery, although neither he nor the women saw it that way. We ended up arresting Budd and transporting the women to a reform school on the planet Bosley. The owner of the school, a man named Charlie Angel, agreed to take care of the three women, whose names, by the way, were Kelly, Jill and Sabrina.
In other news, we have a new drinking establishment aboard the Pilgrim, a place called Cheers. It is run by a former professional athlete, Sam Malone. It is a very friendly place, where everyone knows your name.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
The Corbo-Mite Maneuver
Captain's Blog, Stardate 3007.10.30.
Today, the U.S.S. Pilgrim encountered an alien ship known as the Festerius of an alien race known as the Addams Federation. The leader of the ship, Fester, was initially wary of us, but after some persuasion, he agreed that we could be trusted. He then showed us that Fester was really a puppet, and that the real captain of the ship was a little person from Earth's past that had time-traveled 1000 years into the future. His name was Zach Rolloff.
One of our crew, George Bailey, agreed to stay on board the Festarius and help Zach get acclimated to the 31st century. George, who had been looking for a meaning to his existence, declared, "It's a wonderful life," as he left the Pilgrim for the last time.
Today, the U.S.S. Pilgrim encountered an alien ship known as the Festerius of an alien race known as the Addams Federation. The leader of the ship, Fester, was initially wary of us, but after some persuasion, he agreed that we could be trusted. He then showed us that Fester was really a puppet, and that the real captain of the ship was a little person from Earth's past that had time-traveled 1000 years into the future. His name was Zach Rolloff.
One of our crew, George Bailey, agreed to stay on board the Festarius and help Zach get acclimated to the 31st century. George, who had been looking for a meaning to his existence, declared, "It's a wonderful life," as he left the Pilgrim for the last time.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Where No Man Has Traveled Before
Captain's Blog, Stardate 3007.10.27.
It saddens me to report the death of two crew members, Harry Tiberius Mitchell and Dr. Elizabeth Denver. This is how everything happened.
I led a landing party in beaming down to the newly discovered planet Hillary. With me were Commander Mitchell and Dr. Denver. On the surface we discovered a glowing sphere. After Dr. Denver determined there was nothing openly harmful about the sphere, it was simply a giant mushroom. Harry and Elizabeth each decided to take a taste of the mushroom.
Before my eyes, they began to hallucinate. Harry thought he was a gaint paddle and began attempting to spank Elizabeth's bottom. Elizabeth thought she was being attacked by a giant rolled up newspaper and attempted to set Harry on fire with her Bic lighter. Unfortunately, what she thought was a Bic lighter was actually one of our new experimental weapons, a blaser, and she was holding it backward. She succeeded in disintegrating her own head.
Harry decided to spank me instead. Because I began to like it and because of my homophobia, I had to kill him. Luckily these captain's blogs are sealed for fifty years and are not part of the official record. Phew.
It saddens me to report the death of two crew members, Harry Tiberius Mitchell and Dr. Elizabeth Denver. This is how everything happened.
I led a landing party in beaming down to the newly discovered planet Hillary. With me were Commander Mitchell and Dr. Denver. On the surface we discovered a glowing sphere. After Dr. Denver determined there was nothing openly harmful about the sphere, it was simply a giant mushroom. Harry and Elizabeth each decided to take a taste of the mushroom.
Before my eyes, they began to hallucinate. Harry thought he was a gaint paddle and began attempting to spank Elizabeth's bottom. Elizabeth thought she was being attacked by a giant rolled up newspaper and attempted to set Harry on fire with her Bic lighter. Unfortunately, what she thought was a Bic lighter was actually one of our new experimental weapons, a blaser, and she was holding it backward. She succeeded in disintegrating her own head.
Harry decided to spank me instead. Because I began to like it and because of my homophobia, I had to kill him. Luckily these captain's blogs are sealed for fifty years and are not part of the official record. Phew.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Eight Months Lost
Captain's blog, stardate 3007.10.26.
One minute we are taking a close-up look at the rings of Uranus, then the next thing we know, we are sucked into a black hole and spit out on the other side of the galaxy. And to top it all off, it is eight months after we left, even though it seems like two minutes ago.
According to Mr. Spark, it is going to take us 34.128673 and a half years to return to Earth. I, of course, asked him if he could be any more specific than that, and he began to recalculate his figures. Bulcans, huh? Not much in the humor department.
I will see if my chief engineer, Mr. McBoozer, has any suggestions, as soon as he is conscious.
Being the first humans on the other side of the galaxy, we have already discovered three new planets. Since we are the first to spy them, we get the luxury of naming them. The first planet was loud and tended to dominate the other three planets, so we named it Hillary. The second planet was just a little thing, which we named Rolloff. The last was a gas giant, which we named Flatulencia.
We are taking stock of our supplies today, and tomorrow the senior staff meets to decide on a course of action. Right now, I need to pick up my dry cleaning. George always adds a little extra starch to my collars.
One minute we are taking a close-up look at the rings of Uranus, then the next thing we know, we are sucked into a black hole and spit out on the other side of the galaxy. And to top it all off, it is eight months after we left, even though it seems like two minutes ago.
According to Mr. Spark, it is going to take us 34.128673 and a half years to return to Earth. I, of course, asked him if he could be any more specific than that, and he began to recalculate his figures. Bulcans, huh? Not much in the humor department.
I will see if my chief engineer, Mr. McBoozer, has any suggestions, as soon as he is conscious.
Being the first humans on the other side of the galaxy, we have already discovered three new planets. Since we are the first to spy them, we get the luxury of naming them. The first planet was loud and tended to dominate the other three planets, so we named it Hillary. The second planet was just a little thing, which we named Rolloff. The last was a gas giant, which we named Flatulencia.
We are taking stock of our supplies today, and tomorrow the senior staff meets to decide on a course of action. Right now, I need to pick up my dry cleaning. George always adds a little extra starch to my collars.
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