The Naked Times

Captain's Blog, Stardate 3007.11.18.

Well, the Pilgrim just experienced one of the most unusual and terrifying times during our time exploring the galaxy. We apparently picked up a virus while visiting the planet Psi 3000. The virus caused the crew to act drunk, slowly causing our inhibitions to erode. Eventually, common sense left us completely.

Mr. Spark lost all control of his emotions, even going so far as to perform stand up comedy over the ship's public address system. Mr. McBoozer, our chief engineer, tried to make love to the engines. I can't describe the mess it made. Dr. McQuack began to lose her inhibitions as she became fixated on Spark's ears. She wanted to perform surgery on them.

Our Oriental helmsman, Mr. Sumee, began fencing. Yes, he actually put up a white picket fence around the entire bridge. Lt. Uhorror, our communications officer, began singing Christmas carols over the ship's public address system. This got Spark upset, so he put her in a strangle hold.

I am embarrassed to say I started chasing every skirt on the ship. Finally, I realized that I always do that and that the virus was not affecting me. I had some sort of natural immunity. Once I discovered that, I used my incredible intellect to create an antidote to save the crew. Of course, I cornered Uhorror in the broom closet first, but that's a story for another day.

Captain Jake Brooks, signing off.