Captain's Blog, Stardate 3007.10.31.
The Pilgrim rescued the crew of a small cargo ship today, just before it blew up. The captain of the vessel turned out to be a con-artist by the name of Harcourt Fenton Budd. He was in the process of carrying new wives for the miners of the planet Henry VIII. These women had been bought by the miners, thus Budd was trafficing in slavery, although neither he nor the women saw it that way. We ended up arresting Budd and transporting the women to a reform school on the planet Bosley. The owner of the school, a man named Charlie Angel, agreed to take care of the three women, whose names, by the way, were Kelly, Jill and Sabrina.
In other news, we have a new drinking establishment aboard the Pilgrim, a place called Cheers. It is run by a former professional athlete, Sam Malone. It is a very friendly place, where everyone knows your name.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
The Corbo-Mite Maneuver
Captain's Blog, Stardate 3007.10.30.
Today, the U.S.S. Pilgrim encountered an alien ship known as the Festerius of an alien race known as the Addams Federation. The leader of the ship, Fester, was initially wary of us, but after some persuasion, he agreed that we could be trusted. He then showed us that Fester was really a puppet, and that the real captain of the ship was a little person from Earth's past that had time-traveled 1000 years into the future. His name was Zach Rolloff.
One of our crew, George Bailey, agreed to stay on board the Festarius and help Zach get acclimated to the 31st century. George, who had been looking for a meaning to his existence, declared, "It's a wonderful life," as he left the Pilgrim for the last time.
Today, the U.S.S. Pilgrim encountered an alien ship known as the Festerius of an alien race known as the Addams Federation. The leader of the ship, Fester, was initially wary of us, but after some persuasion, he agreed that we could be trusted. He then showed us that Fester was really a puppet, and that the real captain of the ship was a little person from Earth's past that had time-traveled 1000 years into the future. His name was Zach Rolloff.
One of our crew, George Bailey, agreed to stay on board the Festarius and help Zach get acclimated to the 31st century. George, who had been looking for a meaning to his existence, declared, "It's a wonderful life," as he left the Pilgrim for the last time.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Where No Man Has Traveled Before
Captain's Blog, Stardate 3007.10.27.
It saddens me to report the death of two crew members, Harry Tiberius Mitchell and Dr. Elizabeth Denver. This is how everything happened.
I led a landing party in beaming down to the newly discovered planet Hillary. With me were Commander Mitchell and Dr. Denver. On the surface we discovered a glowing sphere. After Dr. Denver determined there was nothing openly harmful about the sphere, it was simply a giant mushroom. Harry and Elizabeth each decided to take a taste of the mushroom.
Before my eyes, they began to hallucinate. Harry thought he was a gaint paddle and began attempting to spank Elizabeth's bottom. Elizabeth thought she was being attacked by a giant rolled up newspaper and attempted to set Harry on fire with her Bic lighter. Unfortunately, what she thought was a Bic lighter was actually one of our new experimental weapons, a blaser, and she was holding it backward. She succeeded in disintegrating her own head.
Harry decided to spank me instead. Because I began to like it and because of my homophobia, I had to kill him. Luckily these captain's blogs are sealed for fifty years and are not part of the official record. Phew.
It saddens me to report the death of two crew members, Harry Tiberius Mitchell and Dr. Elizabeth Denver. This is how everything happened.
I led a landing party in beaming down to the newly discovered planet Hillary. With me were Commander Mitchell and Dr. Denver. On the surface we discovered a glowing sphere. After Dr. Denver determined there was nothing openly harmful about the sphere, it was simply a giant mushroom. Harry and Elizabeth each decided to take a taste of the mushroom.
Before my eyes, they began to hallucinate. Harry thought he was a gaint paddle and began attempting to spank Elizabeth's bottom. Elizabeth thought she was being attacked by a giant rolled up newspaper and attempted to set Harry on fire with her Bic lighter. Unfortunately, what she thought was a Bic lighter was actually one of our new experimental weapons, a blaser, and she was holding it backward. She succeeded in disintegrating her own head.
Harry decided to spank me instead. Because I began to like it and because of my homophobia, I had to kill him. Luckily these captain's blogs are sealed for fifty years and are not part of the official record. Phew.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Eight Months Lost
Captain's blog, stardate 3007.10.26.
One minute we are taking a close-up look at the rings of Uranus, then the next thing we know, we are sucked into a black hole and spit out on the other side of the galaxy. And to top it all off, it is eight months after we left, even though it seems like two minutes ago.
According to Mr. Spark, it is going to take us 34.128673 and a half years to return to Earth. I, of course, asked him if he could be any more specific than that, and he began to recalculate his figures. Bulcans, huh? Not much in the humor department.
I will see if my chief engineer, Mr. McBoozer, has any suggestions, as soon as he is conscious.
Being the first humans on the other side of the galaxy, we have already discovered three new planets. Since we are the first to spy them, we get the luxury of naming them. The first planet was loud and tended to dominate the other three planets, so we named it Hillary. The second planet was just a little thing, which we named Rolloff. The last was a gas giant, which we named Flatulencia.
We are taking stock of our supplies today, and tomorrow the senior staff meets to decide on a course of action. Right now, I need to pick up my dry cleaning. George always adds a little extra starch to my collars.
One minute we are taking a close-up look at the rings of Uranus, then the next thing we know, we are sucked into a black hole and spit out on the other side of the galaxy. And to top it all off, it is eight months after we left, even though it seems like two minutes ago.
According to Mr. Spark, it is going to take us 34.128673 and a half years to return to Earth. I, of course, asked him if he could be any more specific than that, and he began to recalculate his figures. Bulcans, huh? Not much in the humor department.
I will see if my chief engineer, Mr. McBoozer, has any suggestions, as soon as he is conscious.
Being the first humans on the other side of the galaxy, we have already discovered three new planets. Since we are the first to spy them, we get the luxury of naming them. The first planet was loud and tended to dominate the other three planets, so we named it Hillary. The second planet was just a little thing, which we named Rolloff. The last was a gas giant, which we named Flatulencia.
We are taking stock of our supplies today, and tomorrow the senior staff meets to decide on a course of action. Right now, I need to pick up my dry cleaning. George always adds a little extra starch to my collars.
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