Where No Man Has Traveled Before

Captain's Blog, Stardate 3007.10.27.

It saddens me to report the death of two crew members, Harry Tiberius Mitchell and Dr. Elizabeth Denver. This is how everything happened.

I led a landing party in beaming down to the newly discovered planet Hillary. With me were Commander Mitchell and Dr. Denver. On the surface we discovered a glowing sphere. After Dr. Denver determined there was nothing openly harmful about the sphere, it was simply a giant mushroom. Harry and Elizabeth each decided to take a taste of the mushroom.

Before my eyes, they began to hallucinate. Harry thought he was a gaint paddle and began attempting to spank Elizabeth's bottom. Elizabeth thought she was being attacked by a giant rolled up newspaper and attempted to set Harry on fire with her Bic lighter. Unfortunately, what she thought was a Bic lighter was actually one of our new experimental weapons, a blaser, and she was holding it backward. She succeeded in disintegrating her own head.

Harry decided to spank me instead. Because I began to like it and because of my homophobia, I had to kill him. Luckily these captain's blogs are sealed for fifty years and are not part of the official record. Phew.