The Sitcomulans

Captain's Log, Stardate 3007.11.23.

Yesterday we encountered an alien race the likes of which Spacefleet will never recover from. They are a ruthless, violent and maniacally depraved race of people. And they are weird, too. They are called the Sitcomulans.

We first encountered them near the Neutral Zone, an area of space that we are not supposed to venture into, but which we did. I guess Mr. Sumee took a left instead of a right near Vegas. Oh well, no one's perfect.

We detected another ship in the Neutral Zone. The markings on the outside said it was the S.E. Mayberry, R.F.D. We have since found out the S.E. stands for Sitcomulan Empire. We never did found out what R.F.D. stood for, although I have my suspicions.

I had Lt. Uhorror hail the vessel. The answer we got was terrifying. A sinister voice the likes of which I'll never forget answered. Here is part of the conversation:

"Howdy, folks. I'm Sheriff Andy Taylor of Mayberry. What are y'all doing here in the Neutral Zone?"

Captain Jake Brooks (that's me): This is Captain Jake Brooks of the Starship Pilgrim representing the United Federation of Planets, Dwarf Planets, Asteroids, Moons, and Other Settlements in Space.

Sheriff Taylor: Oh, yes, the UFPDPAMOSS. I've heard of you folks. How y'all doing?

Captain Brooks: Fine, and you?

Sheriff Taylor: Just dandy. Now what are y'all doing in the Neutral Zone. I'm gonna give y'all thirty seconds to answer before I have my second in command, Deputy Fife blow you're fine looking vessel to kingdom come.

Captain Brooks: We took a wrong turn and we appear to be lost.

Sheriff Taylor: Now, we seem to have a problem here. Barney tells me y'all is lyin'. Why should I believe y'all?

At that point I broke all communication with the Mayberry and I had our Russian gunner, Ensign Checkmate, fire all blasers at the ship. We immediately disabled it and began a hasty retreat. Two Sitcomulans began pursuit, the S.E. M*A*S*H and the S.E. WKRP. A Colonel Potter and a Big Guy Carlson both tried to hail us, but we decided our first encounter with the Sitcomulans was over. We were at war, now. We needed to retreat and warn the UFPDPAMOSS.